In Whidden and Ellwood, the parties’ nine year old daughter Taylor was the subject of a bitter custody dispute.  The matter was an “actively litigated” file.  Each parent blamed and considered the other parent a threat.  Justice Pazaratz makes his views on the subject absolutely clear: the most pervasive threat to Taylor’s well-being was “the extreme and unbridled conflict” between the parties, not the relative shortcomings of one or the other of her parents. “It’s a problem because parents delude themselves into thinking they’re doing this “for the sake of their daughter.  In reality Taylor doesn’t care who’s right or wrong. She doesn’t want to think of either of her parents as bad. She just wants them to stop fighting.”

Justice Pazaratz states that, when the parties separated, they could have and should have tried to work together, followed professional recommendations, obeyed court orders, and “tried to make this as painless as possible for their daughter. But instead they took a scorched earth approach.  They became consumed not just with winning, but with making sure the other party lost.”

Justice Pazaratz ponders: “Perhaps we are so intent on protecting parents’ rights, that we lose sight of children’s rights: the right of children to have somebody step in and make their parents stop fighting — once and for all.”

“High conflict parents exude negativity and tension.   If we in the courtroom can’t stand listening to these people act up – presumably while they’re on their best behaviour – can you imagine what it’s like for a child trapped living with that sort of hostility and resentment, 24 hours a day?  Angry parents always pretend they hide their feelings from their children. But I don’t believe it for a second. Judges regularly receive reports from professionals about how severely children are impacted by ongoing parental strife. And in this case, the cell phone videos flaunted by both parties clearly demonstrated that no effort is being made to shield Taylor from the hatefulness.  Family breakdown is tough on everyone. The pain is real. It takes time to recover.  But healing can’t occur while you’re still waging war in court.  That’s why – for the sake of the children – we need to find ways to reduce family tension, rather than fuel it.”

“When parents come to court genuinely seeking solutions, we should work tirelessly to help them. As long and as often as it takes. But we have a concurrent obligation — to taxpayers, and more importantly to the children of relentless litigators – to prevent embittered parents from abusing scarce judicial resources: We need to identify those parents who just come here to fight. And then do everything we can think of to deprive them of future opportunities to fight.

We need to anticipate – perhaps even presume – misconduct and non-compliance.

And then craft orders which leave parents with as few opportunities to misbehave as possible.”

“In short, sometimes we need to treat parents like children.”

Thank you Justice Pazaratz.  Truer words have never been spoken.

The post Judge Says Treat High Conflict Parents Like Children appeared first on Toronto Family Law Blog Canada.

These videos make me cringe.  My heart goes out to the child being filmed.  How must that feel? What message does it send? What can that parent be thinking? Well, it appears I am not alone in my concern.

In the November 2016 Whidden v Ellwood decision, Justice Pazaratz of the Ontario Superior Court of Justice takes cellphone videoing parents to task.  The case is worth a read, but the following are some of His Honour’s more pointed (and poignant) statements:

“They [parents who video] should stop pretending they’re assisting the court by assembling important evidence.”

“The obvious reality is that taking videos is a strategic act of aggression and escalation. The situation never improves when people pull out cameras. Usually it gets worse. Indeed, often that appears to be the intention.”

“Access exchanges in high conflict files are already tough enough for children. Pointing a camera – or multiple cameras – at the interaction merely heightens the child’s unease and worry that something bad is expected to happen. That someone they love is about to misbehave. That one parent is trying to get the other parent in trouble.”

“Videos recklessly and maliciously transform an ideally brief, benign transition into a horribly unhappy and frightening experience for the helpless child. The unpleasant confrontation may last only minutes. But the emotional devastation for the child can extend for hours, both before and after the exchange.”

“How do we stop this epidemic of smartphone nonsense in Family Court?

1. Presumably parents only take these videos because they think it will help them win their case. They think it will make the other parent look bad.
2. We need to make it clear to parents that taking videos is not likely to help you win your case. It’s more likely to backfire. To cause the judge to worry about your parental judgment.
3. Because taking videos raises doubts about how a loving and caring parent could be so insensitive as to place an innocent child in the middle of a needlessly inflamed and volatile situation.
4. What message is the videographer conveying to the child? “Look how bad your father is!” “I’m going to record this so everyone will see what a horrible mother you have!” “Be careful, the parent you love can’t be trusted!”
5. Perhaps the more cynical and prophetical message: “Showtime!”
6. Do children really need to receive such hurtful and destructive messages, at an already tragic time in their lives?
7. When parents routinely pull out their cameras, ready to “click” at the slightest false move — like gunslingers squaring off at the O.K. Corral – are they doing it out of love for a child? Or hate?
8. No matter what image they hope to record, it can’t be as harmful to the child as the fear and apprehension automatically instilled as soon as one parent points a camera at the other.”

And finally, the quotable Pazaratz:

“Perhaps we can borrow from social media to coin a term which suitably describes judicial disdain for this type of behaviour:

1. We’ve all heard of the “SELFIE”: A self-portrait, usually intended to make the subject look good.
2. How about a “SELFISHIE”: A parent taking a disturbing video to try win in court, oblivious to the emotional trauma they are inflicting on their child.”

In the case, not only did Justice Pazaratz refused to rely on any of the videos presented by the parties but the final order included a prohibition against the parties taking videos of each other in the future.  Well said and well done, Your Honour.

The post Stopping Cellphone Videoing in Custody Cases appeared first on Toronto Family Law Blog Canada.

There were lawyers and social workers and psychologists and judges. There were individual speakers on topics ranging from challenging clients (who has those? not me) to high conflict litigation There were panels on practice and stress management, supervised access and moving difficult cases to resolution. I learned new things about parental estrangement and children who resist post-separation contact. I heard different perspectives on how to obtain the voice of the child and incorporating the child’s views and preferences in our cases. Fascinating stuff. The conference reaffirmed to me the importance of the work that we do for children and families. It also reminded me of the importance of inter-disciplinary connections and learning – we do better work when we work together.

It is always tough to make the time to attend continuing education programs and conferences. This one was well worth it.

The post Inter-Disciplinary Magic appeared first on Toronto Family Law Blog Canada.

If you are separated or divorced, here are a few pointers on how to make it easier for your son or daughter at overnight camp. For the sake of simplicity, let’s use a hypothetical family: Jane is 11 and going to overnight camp for the first time. Jane’s parents, Mom and Dad, are divorced and don’t get along very well.

What can Mom and Dad do to ensure their “stuff” doesn’t interfere with Jane’s time at camp:

1. Remember Jane is going to have a great time. She may be a bit homesick at first, but that will pass and she will love camp. Why? For all the reasons other kids love summer camp, but also a few more. Summer camp is a chance for Jane to be away from her parents and their issues and the fact of the divorce. At camp, she gets to be just like every other kid. It is a relief. Jane gets to leave the parenting schedule behind. No more shuttling back and forth between homes. She doesn’t have to remember what stuff is at what parent’s home. Jane has one cabin and one bed, one place to lay her head every night. Often, this time at camp comes as a welcomed break from the pressure of being a child of divorced parents.

2. Write. But don’t write Jane about the divorce, problems with the other parent, your dating life, etc… Write her about age appropriate things. Certainly do not tell Jane in a letter that you are separating. That kind of announcement requires face to face interaction and emotional support.

3. Make sure Jane has stamps, writing paper and envelopes to write you back. Give Jane both Mom and Dad’s address. Don’t just give her one or the other – that is just making trouble. More importantly, it sends the message that Mom doesn’t want Jane to write Dad (or vice versa) and that isn’t right.

4. Give the camp the contact information for both Mom and Dad. Don’t cut the other parent out – the camp needs this information for emergencies! If you can’t be reached, you want the camp to reach the other parent.

5. Make a plan for Visitor’s Day with your ex. Don’t leave it up to Jane. Never ask her “who do you want to come see you on Visitor’s Day?” It isn’t fair. It puts Jane in the middle of an adult issue. Mom and Dad should decide who gets to come on Visitor’s Day and who arranges another day to come visit. You can alternate from year to year. Sometimes parents want to come to Visitor’s Day together. Don’t do that unless you regularly do other things together with Jane. If this is the only time Mom and Dad have been in the same place at the same time for a while, don’t do it. It will be strange and uncomfortable for Jane and that is not how anyone wants her to feel on Visitor’s Day (or ever).

6. Similar to Visitor’s Day, make a plan for drop off and pick up, either at the buses as some camps do, or at camp as others require. Maybe Mom can drop off and Dad can pick up at the end of the month? Again, Mom and Dad should only be there together if they can behave and if it will not be uncomfortable for Jane.

These tips aren’t rocket science. They are just common sense. But they will help Jane get the most from her summer overnight camp experience, which is the whole point.

The post Are you ready for the summer? Overnight Camp and Divorce appeared first on Toronto Family Law Blog Canada.

Parents trying to iron out the details of high-conflict separations should communicate like business partners, says family lawyer Jennifer Samara Shuber.

“It’s like running the business of the family,” says Shuber, a partner with Basman Smith LLP. “Would you send screaming, swearing emails to your business partner? No. You’d send an email to your business partner saying, ‘This is the deal. This is the transaction. I need your position.’”

Teaching clients how to filter the negative, emotional and at times hysterical comments is just one of the elements Shuber uses while providing parenting co-ordination.

The service — which can also be performed by social workers and psychologists — is a post-agreement process that allows a professional to help parties negotiate the details of their separation agreement or parenting plan, says Shuber, who holds a joint degree in law and social work from the University of Toronto.

The details often have to do with splitting time with children over family holidays, or making room for flexibility in custody agreements.

With nearly 20 years of experience in litigation and family law, Shuber can advise clients on the law surrounding such issues as child support and sharing expenses.

The parenting co-ordinator is an unbiased third party, someone who cannot already be representing one of the parties in the separation process.

“I have insight into the case law and knowledge of how things would go if they went to court,” Shuber tells AdvocateDaily.com. “I’d encourage them not to choose the court option and choose to resolve conflicts instead.”

Clients who seek parenting co-ordination are often considered higher conflict cases, she says. Many people can work out details such as how to split time over Christmas without the help of a professional. Others can work independently with their exes following a bit of coaching. But there are cases where intervention and the assistance of a parenting coordinator will be necessary for years to come. 

Often, the interactions are emotionally charged, she says.

“There’s a history and sometimes they have to relearn behaviours,” says Shuber, who is also trained as a comprehensive family mediator.

“They’ve had a way of interacting with the spouse that has gone on for a number of years, often decades, and they have to learn how to communicate neutrally and effectively.”

She says sometimes high-conflict parties get a “rush” out of the contact and conflict, because it’s the only contact they have.

“A large percentage of high-conflict cases are that way because the individuals don’t have the skills,” she says. They don’t know how to be anything else. The shared history for them is too overwhelming. They are still completely enmeshed, and so it’s a learning process for a number of families.”

Parenting co-ordination sessions can happen in one phone call or meeting. The co-ordinator can make rulings on minor custody issues or parenting time, she says.

Shuber says she seeks out the position of both parties before making a decision.

“It’s doing some positive role modelling,” she says. “It’s to show healthy communication and how to reframe things in a more neutral way.”

The post Neutralizing conflict through parenting co-ordination appeared first on Toronto Family Law Blog Canada.