I was reading a book to my son and two of his friends this weekend about a rock. That book made me think of another story I knew, this one about some pebbles, which I proceeded to tell them as well. Now I’m hoping those three boys are walking around with pebbles in their pockets. I don’t know who wrote it, so I can’t give the author credit, but thank you whoever you are.

Here is the story.

One late afternoon, Grandpa was sitting in his rocking chair when his grandson asked “Can I sit in your lap, Grandpa?”
“Of course” Grandpa replied, reaching over and lifting the boy onto his lap. The boy squirmed around, trying to get comfortable.
“Why is your lap so lumpy and bumpy Grandpa? Especially here?” asked the boy, pointing to Grandpa’s right side.
Grandpa smiled, reached into his right pocket and pulled out four pebbles. “Because of these” he said.

“Why do you have rocks in your pocket?” asked the boy.
“Because my father had rocks in his pockets, and his father before him, and his father before him, and so on. These rocks are magic rocks.”

The boy stared at the pebbles in Grandpa’s hand. They looked like plain ordinary pebbles. Not gems. Not shiny. Nothing special about them at all.
“How are they magic, Grandpa?” the boy wondered.

“These pebbles have the power to make people do good deeds,” Grandpa said.
“How do they do that?” the boy asked, his eyes wide.
“Every morning when I get dressed I put these four pebbles into my left pocket. Throughout the day, when I do a good deed or help someone, I move one pebble over to my right pocket. I try to get all of the rocks into my right pocket by the end of the day. The next day, I start again. If you want, I can get you a set of magic pebbles. They will work the same magic for you.”

“No they won’t, Grandpa” the boy sighed, disappointed. “I don’t have any money. I can’t do any good deeds. And I’m just a kid. How could I help anyone?”

“That is the thing” Grandpa said. “The pebbles don’t care about the size of the deed. Or the person. After all, these aren’t great big boulders. They are just tiny pebbles. But they do big magic.”
“You don’t need money.” Grandpa continued. “Smiling at someone who looks sad or helping your mother bring in the groceries is just as important as serving a meal to the homeless or making a donation to charity. Do what you can. And by the end of the day, the pebbles will all magically appear in your right pocket.”

Go pick some pebbles for your pockets, people.

Family courts are open to the public. When you start a proceeding in Ontario, your full name and that of your partner is front and centre on the court documents. When your case is scheduled to come to court, your names will be on the lists posted outside of the courtroom. Members of the public can sit in on family proceedings.

Applications can be made to name the case by pseudonym or initials only, to exclude the public from the courtroom or to seal the court file. However, these requests are only very rarely granted. Judges take public and media access to a court proceeding seriously, considering it to be one of the foundations of our justice system:

The Canadian judicial system is based on a presumption that all court proceedings must be conducted in an open and public manner so as to maintain confidence in the administration of justice. The party seeking a sealing order must establish that such an order is necessary to protect societal values of superordinate importance in order to rebut the presumption. Hence, the test for granting a sealing order is whether the social value raised by the plaintiffs is one of superordinate importance to the rights of the public to open access.

The tests to either exclude the public or seal the file are stringent:

…to exclude the public from a courtroom, I need find only that a “possibility of serious harm or injustice” exists. However, under Sierra Club, supra, to seal court files from the public, I need to find there to be real and substantial risk, well-grounded in the evidence, that disclosure poses a serious threat to the plaintiff’s interest which cannot be protected by reasonable alternatives and that the benefits of sealing outweighs the deleterious effects to the public interest in open and accessible courts.

The test to proceed by initials is less so:

This court possesses the jurisdiction to use initials or pseudonyms to protect the identity of parties pursuant to Rule 2.03 of the Rules of Civil Procedure, which enables the court, in the interests of justice, to dispense with the general rule that the names of parties be identified in the title of the proceeding (Rule 14.06): T. (S.) v. Stubbs, [1998] O.J. No. 1294, 38 O.R. (3d) 788 (Ont. Gen. Div.). The use of initials to identify the parties was ordered in R. (J.) in the absence of submissions on the point. In this case, the identification of the parties by initials is entirely appropriate, given the privacy interests that the parties and E.D. have in this matter.

Regardless, parties should be aware that, in all likelihood, their family law case will be public. Their names and those of their children will be evident from the material filed with the court. Parties who want to ensure privacy and confidentiality are, therefore, opting for mediation and arbitration, which are closed processes.

Book #1: I WANT A DIVORCE! SEE YOU TOMORROW!
If you have small children, you will understand this book. This book deals with the fact that most people who divorce with small children still need to see each other every day. Any good parent will try to put their children’s needs first, and so this book will tell you how to have a knock down drag out fight and still attend a kid’s birthday party together on the same day. Chapters include: FAKE SMILING; HOW IMPORTANT IS THE LAST WORD; PHONE CALLS ON THE WAY HOME FROM THERAPY; AND EVERYONE NEEDS TO STOP BUYING TOYS.

Book #2: GET OVER IT! (BUT NOT TOO FAST!)
Chapters include: SHE DOESN’T CRY ENOUGH; HE SEEMS GAY TO ME; THIS WON’T GET YOU OUT OF A SPEEDING TICKET; AND I’M SORRY TO INTERRUPT, BUT WHEN DO YOU THINK YOU WILL BE OVER IT?

Book #3: DIVORCVE: TEN WAYS NOT TO CATCH IT!
Divorce is contagious! Haven’t you heard? It’s like cancer but worse because no one really feels that bad for you. Chapters include: DIVORCE IS NOT AN OPTION FOR ME, BUT I AM HAPPY FOR YOU; C’MON WHO HASN’T CHEATED; I JUST COULDN’T DO THAT TO MY KIDS; AND MAYBE YOU GUYS JUST NEED TO GO TO OJAI FOR THE WEEKEND.

Book #4: HEY LADY, I DON’T WANT TO F*** YOUR HUBAND
Chapters include: NO ONE AS GREAT AS YOU SHOULD BE SINGLE; IS IT HARD TO BE AT A WEDDING; YOU’VE NEVER LOOKED BETTER; HAVE YOU SEEN MARK ANYWHERE? I CAN’T FIND HIM.

Book #5: GOD IS IN THE DETAILS
This book will help you navigate all the intimate details that people want to know and frankly have a right to know. This includes how did you break up and where are you living now and who wanted it more and how long did you know and what is going on with the kids and how did you tell the kids and was it sad and is he mad and are you sad …

Book #6: THE HOLIDAYS ARE RUINED!
This book is one page long and just contains that one sentence.

Although I may not agree with everything she writes (like I hate book #6 but book #1 is spot on), Amy has a funny, and moving, perspective on divorce. Her point of view and observations just might make you smile. If you are contemplating separation, or in the throes of a divorce, a good belly laugh just might be worth the price of this paperback.

Or, as Ron Burgundy says, you can “stay classy, San Diego” (or, in this case, stay classy Toronto or Thornhill or Ottawa or Ancaster…you get the idea). Speak respectfully and kindly of your ex. Make sure private information remains private. Keep a civil tongue in your head, as your great-aunt may have advised. A positive attitude is good for you and good for your kids. Plus, you will be able to look back with pride on your behaviour over this very difficult and emotional time, rather than cringe.

Take a page from Miranda Lambert’s book. Despite a very public and potentially humiliating break up with husband Blake Shelton, Miranda has taken the high road. In a candid interview with Cosmopolitan magazine, Miranda is honest while remaining kind when speaking of the end of her ten year relationship with Blake.

Miranda’s take on her marriage is refreshing. And rare. I wish I had a penny for every client who tells me “I never loved her” or “I don’t know why I married him”. Instead of denial and revisionist history, Miranda is able to look at the good in her marriage.

“I had a great relationship with an amazing man, so I know what good is,” she says. “I have a great launching pad for the future. I will never take that for granted.”

Miranda is also able to admit that she is in pain. She talks of being hurt, but she does so without attacking Blake in the process. Miranda does not claim to be “fine” – none of this conscious uncoupling for her. Instead, Miranda acknowledges that dealing with the break up is a process, and one she has only just begun.

“Some of that might mean nights on my porch crying, drinking whiskey, and going, ‘Man, this sucks right now.'”

Well done Miranda.

I am trained as a lawyer and as a social worker. I have also trained as a comprehensive family mediator. That means that I mediate both financial and parenting issues for parties. If mediation does not resolve the dispute, then I am can switch hats and become the arbitrator.

My experience in the legal representation of clients has given me the knowledge of the law and “how things work” in family law. I understand practice and procedure. I am a critical and practical thinker. I can provide legal information (not advice) to parties in mediation. I can ensure that they are informed of the law on a particular topic, as well as their rights and obligations. I have been on the other side of the table, representing clients in mediation and arbitration. I know what that process is like from the inside out.

My social work and mediation training have provided me with the tools to manage difficult personalities and build consensus. I am able to be empathic without getting dragged into the emotions and conflict. Active listening allows me to listen effectively and to understand what is happening and why. I am trained to look not only at the issues, but also at what is underlying the dispute. I am skilled at identifying and eliminating road blocks to settlement. I am trained in child development and have worked with children of divorce. I am able to bring the children into the process, whether that it by actually meeting with them or by figuratively representing their best interests in the mediation.

I would be happy to further describe my mediation/arbitration practice and to answer any questions you may have. Please do feel free to contact me.